To is a preposition

Shortly before 11 A.M., the signs were that “FB” would open at about $45, sharply lower than many people had expected. At eleven, CNBC’s monitors were showing $42, just four dollars above the issue price—an indication that investors were balking at paying a big premium over the offer price. Fifteen minutes later, the stock still hadn’t opened. “I’m getting nervous,” Jim Cramer stammered. He wasn’t the only one. At 11:25, the Wall Street Journal reported that many traders were trying to cancel their electronic orders and having trouble doing it. “Did Nasdaq break?” Henry Blodget, who had gone back to his day job, tweeted. No, it didn’t.

At 11:30, the stock opened at $42, jumped up to $43, fell back $42—and kept falling, back to $40. “For market sentiment, this is not going to be positive,” said Simon Hobbs, the network’s resident Brit. Melissa Lee was equally crestfallen: “Forty minutes ago, I don’t think anybody thought $40,” she said. David Faber had been working the phones, and he reported that his sources had told him the stock might well fall below the issue price of $38, which would be a big embarrassment to the banks underwriting the deal, led by Morgan Stanley. “The big story is that Facebook, the social network, is now a public company,” he said. “The smaller story is that after five minutes, it’s only up six per cent.”

Woah. About time.

In what’s almost certainly a response to his repeated instances of “Fuck You, Charlie” during an incident at Tuesday’s Astros-Phillies game, Major League Baseball has suspended umpire Bob Davidson for one game.

After rejecting a one-year offer for $9.5 million, Patriots receiver Wes Welker told reporters that negotiations with the team have “gotten worse.” Apparently, Bill Belichick stepped in and offered Welker a five-year deal worth $60 million, but only on the condition that the receiver change his name to Wes Weenie or Weenie Welker. Welker countered with an offer where he would change his name to Wee Weenie Welkinson if his coach changed his name to Bill Beli-bitch, after which Belichick offered to change his name to Bitchy Bill the Sailor if Welker would accept three years and $28 million and change his name to Dr. Weenis. Welker nearly agreed, but asked for a clause wherein Bitchy Bill the Sailor would always wear a sailor’s cap with a picture of Jay Leno giggling on the front, which Belichick agreed to, provided Dr. Weenis kept two tongue depressors in his mouth permanently so he looked like a human walrus. Welker balked, calling the request “ridiculous,” and the negotiations fell apart.