After rejecting a one-year offer for $9.5 million, Patriots receiver Wes Welker told reporters that negotiations with the team have “gotten worse.” Apparently, Bill Belichick stepped in and offered Welker a five-year deal worth $60 million, but only on the condition that the receiver change his name to Wes Weenie or Weenie Welker. Welker countered with an offer where he would change his name to Wee Weenie Welkinson if his coach changed his name to Bill Beli-bitch, after which Belichick offered to change his name to Bitchy Bill the Sailor if Welker would accept three years and $28 million and change his name to Dr. Weenis. Welker nearly agreed, but asked for a clause wherein Bitchy Bill the Sailor would always wear a sailor’s cap with a picture of Jay Leno giggling on the front, which Belichick agreed to, provided Dr. Weenis kept two tongue depressors in his mouth permanently so he looked like a human walrus. Welker balked, calling the request “ridiculous,” and the negotiations fell apart.

Youkilis may not be a strategic genius, but he is powerful and unpredictable, and it’s better to let him exercise his animal urges on Julie than it is to leave his twisted mind to plot and plan.