The Onion Statshot - What Tumblr Blogs Are We Starting?
(Source: The Onion)
The zebra spends it’s entire life standing around awaiting a violent death.
Keith Richards’ Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976 onion.com/N0rJuM
— The Onion (@TheOnion) July 6, 2012
Bill Simmons Releases 2,000-Page Book Exploring How Fucking Clever He Is
“I’m extremely proud of this book, which I think I’d really have to call my life’s work—or, at least, the work of my life thus far,” Simmons said at a launch party sponsored by publisher McSweeney’s and hosted by Malcolm Gladwell, who did not manage to find an opportunity to speak …
In his 14-page introduction to Wit, Brilliance, Insight, Simmons, pop culture critic Chuck Klosterman poses the question of whether Simmons is brilliant because of his decision to embrace the entirety of television while writing for people who like to watch sports on television or, indeed, in spite of it.
(Source: The Onion)
”If it’s only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound emotional problems back into a war zone, but the case of Staff Sgt. Bales suggests four may be too many,” said Gen. John R. Allen, the top U.S. commander in Afghanistan, adding that troops in their third deployment can still basically function with PTSD and, instead of snapping and killing civilians, “might still have it together enough to kill actual enemies when they go berserk.” “We are beginning to think that if a soldier in his fourth tour suffers from constant night terrors or is haunted by memories of the friends he’s lost in combat, he could actually become a liability on the battlefield.”
“When the Final Four comes around, Dick is so sexually charged that he’s pretty much into everything,” said the mother of two, who admitted that it was disturbing at first to watch her husband stand stark naked in their kitchen, a ball gag muffling his screams of “It’s awesome, baby,” but that the practice had grown on her. “And I’ll admit that it’s a little weird when he shouts out ‘Krzyzewski’ at the moment of climax, but believe me, it’s worth it. I have so many orgasms that it doesn’t matter.”
Youkilis may not be a strategic genius, but he is powerful and unpredictable, and it’s better to let him exercise his animal urges on Julie than it is to leave his twisted mind to plot and plan.
